A Meditation Teacher’s Investment

by Stephanie Nash

Hours after the end of a 10-day retreat, I was standing outside a restaurant in Southern California, talking to a young woman from New York who was interested in training to be a meditation teacher.

We had just come from a facilitator training and dinner that always happen after our retreats.  Everyone else had gotten in their cars and left by this time, but this young woman and I were still there talking passionately about some YouTube videos I had posted and the effects these videos had had on her students.

A man approached us in a way that I could see created a dynamic familiar to me during the 13 years I lived in New York City.  A dynamic that included body language of self-protection and possible aggression – definitely a checking of boundaries.

It all happened in an instant, but to me it seemed like it was in slow motion (– of course, I had just come from a rather concentrated 10-day retreat – where seeing things in slow motion could be considered a skill that we cultivate.)

When I saw her body so subtly contract and pull away, I saw him approach with a soft, confident, familiarity.  He wasn’t dirty but he wasn’t clean.  Dressed in jeans, t-shirt, older (40-50 yrs.), and a character of a face.  He had what seemed like a miniature helmet with him.

He said, “I’m on my scooter here, but my truck is up the street at a gas station, it needs _____ and I need $18.32 to get it fixed.  It was really $89 and I had the $60(?) and paid it, but need an extra $18.32 or they won’t give me my truck.”

We looked at him and I’m sure we both instantly came to the same conclusion.  We’d been New Yorkers and trained in such determinations.  We weren’t buying the story.

His body was a tad closer than appropriate for a stranger.  The young woman pulled away in a typical, strong New Yorker-way and then she said clearly that she didn’t have money on her.   She looked in his direction and held her body & purse in a way that clearly defined her boundaries.  I had been thus trained, as well.

But now, as I recognized that familiar pattern of thought/feeling/behavior where a controlled tension was key – and I more than understood it’s necessity for survival on the streets of New York and elsewhere, it didn’t seem to be happening with me at this time.

I felt like an observer to most of this – but again, did I mention that only hours earlier I’d finished a 10-day retreat?

Ok, so I don’t have any boundaries.  Hmmmmm, I’m guessing that could be a problem.  Doesn’t seem to be at the moment, but my linear mind makes a note.  Then I allow my awareness to flood into the man, the moment, me, this woman.  No boundaries made this easy, normal.

Now, let me say here that I do have a rule – about giving people money.

Actually, I got this from my teacher, Shinzen Young.  Whenever anyone asks him for money – he gives it.  Often to the point of not having any.  In fact, whenever I take him to a sweatlodge ceremony, I buy him his beloved burritos on the way home because he always gives all the money he has –  regardless of how much it is - to the spiritual leaders who offered the ceremony.

And I’m not sure when it started, but for years now, the way my rule works is that – whenever anyone asks for money – I give them a dollar or two.  No matter what.  Without fail.  (I made the mistake once of giving it to someone who didn’t ask, and won’t make that mistake again.)  I keep a roll of $1 bills in my car and look forward to opportunities to reach out, or roll down my window and hand someone a dollar and honestly wish them a good day.  It’s quite lovely actually.  I’m quite grateful to Shinzen for that practice.

So here I am in the parking lot outside of a restaurant, late at night, with a woman who wants this man to go away, a man who wants money and there’s a very good probability that this is just something he says to get money.   Plus there is something slightly insistent about this man – almost as if he thinks he deserves to have this money – and I know that both of us women strongly suspect he is lying.

But my accumulated mindfulness is able to easily track any remnant rising of sensations within me associated with suspicion, protection and still I am the observer – wondering what will happen next.

My natural instinct is to go for my role of $1 bills, but I know I don’t have it with me.   In fact, I’m pretty sure I don’t have any bills with me.

I know that whatever my response will be, will be what takes this interaction in whatever direction it will go.  Where do I want it to go?  I don’t know.  I can’t think.  I’ve just spent days moving beyond the thinking process.  So I don’t.

(And everything I’ve described up to now happened in less than 2 seconds.)

So, I look in my wallet to see what’s there as I ask him a question about himself.  I’m sure the other woman is uncomfortable that I am looking in my purse (as any New Yorker would undoubtedly shake their head at such a naive & possibly unwise move.)

As I’m looking he answers my question and pulls out his driver’s license to prove he’s a real guy and encourages me to write down the info.

I’m still looking in my purse, but I say that’s not necessary and finally I find my wallet.  All I have is one $20 bill.  And in that moment, I remember that I’m going to need $10 in cash in the morning before I can get to the bank.

I stop for a moment as I look down at the lone $20 bill in my purse.

He then asks me what I do.  Not sure why he asked, but I look up at him and tell him I’m a meditation teacher.  He declares, “I’ve meditated before!”  He then describes a 5-10 minute period at the end of a yoga class, and another situation that I can see could be thought of as meditation.  These were apparently years ago.  He seems proud that we have something in common.

I then look at him and say, “You know, if you just close your eyes, take 3 deep breathes, feel what your body feels like, and then take 3 more deep breathes, that’s a meditation.  You ever do that?”

He said, “No, but I think I’d like to.”

I pull out the $20 bill and I hand it to him.

I said, “This should take care of your truck.”

He says, “Thank you so much!”    And he turns to go towards his scooter.

He waves the bill as he says, “I will pay you back …by passing this deed along!”

Interesting that he thinks in those terms.  That’s promising.

And I said, “You could pay me back by meditating every morning for 5 days.  Just close your eyes – take 3 breathes, feel your body, and then take 3 more breaths.   You think you could do that?”

I see him honestly consider this odd request.  Then, almost like a child, he says, “Yeah, I think I can.”  He then happily mounted his scooter with a purpose.

I said, “That’s all the payment I need.  3 breaths, eyes closed, 5 days.”  After another moment, I say, ” Can you remember to do that?”

He says, “Yes, I can – 5 days, 3 breaths!”

“Good!”  I say, “Thank you!  That’s more than worth my investment.”

He waved & drove his scooter off – as he called out “I will, I promise!”  and I called after him, “Yes, Meditate!” – because I wanted him to hear those words last.

And I felt this joy (which I now know to be mudita) at this most productive encounter…. while  I felt sure the woman I was with probably felt surprised and whatever other feeling flavors when I pulled out the $20 bill.  But then, I was the senior teacher and who knows, maybe she was also taking notes.  No matter.

Who knows what that man will do with that $20 or if he will meditate…this time.  But it felt to me, anyway, that some tiny thing had shifted for him – and he might not understand or even notice, but  my only hope was that he will check it out at some time – now or in the distant future – or that it just naturally has some tiny good affect on him or those he encounters.

Regardless, I cannot express enough my the satisfaction & fulfillment from that investment of $20.  Money well spent.

Signed…

A Meditation Teacher